Let’s Stop Being Sick

jakeheasy

It’s that time of year again. Approximately 100 percent of the student body has come down with some form of runny nose, cold, sore throat, or any other possible ailment. These diseases affect every aspect of these student’s lives, students do worse in classes, they are grouchy, they are mean to their teachers and friends and their lives generally aren’t great.

Obviously something must be done to remedy this terrible situation. What I propose may seem radical, maybe even a bit crazy, but when you’re done reading this, I guarantee that you’ll be fully convinced.

The first step at combating sickness is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Everyone knows that illnesses come from germs, tiny microscopic organisms that just love to mess up our bodies. We need to get rid of these microscopic demons. Everyone should be required to dunk themselves in hand sanitizer before entering the building. This way, there are literally no germs left to infect people. Since most hand sanitizer only kills 99.99% of germs, students will have to dunk themselves twice in order to kill the rest of the germs.

While the first step is a good combative measure, inevitably, some sick ne’er–do–well will ignore the previously mentioned hand-sanitizer rules and walk into school without a care in the world. When this happens, we must be prepared for the worst. The A-Wing should become a quarantine zone. Because there is no air-conditioning in the A-Wing, the diseased will sweat out their sins and reflect on their misdeeds. Sick teachers can teach the sick students so they don’t miss out on their education needs.

Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot describe to you the havoc that the common cold can wreak on a community. When the cold sweeps through, it takes spares no man and entire populations are devastated. One day everything is nice and clean, and the next day the doorknobs are dripping with snot and the air is filled with spit from coughs and sneezes. This cannot happen anymore and the sooner something is done about it the better. Hopefully, if my plan is implemented, Loy Norrix will be 100 percent sickness free within the year.

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