Roses are thorny.
Violets are black.
You really hate V-Day.
It’s time to fight back.
Valentine’s Day is creeping up upon us as it does every year–except this year it is going to be different. You’re not going to stress out because society’s telling you that on February 14th you have to flaunt how spectacular and romantic your relationship is. Instead you’re going to follow these five easy steps to rebel against the commercially created Valentine’s Day.
1. Wear colors that clash with red and pink. Green is the best color for this. Instead of seeing it as Valentine’s Day, now you will be able to look at it as a late Christmas celebration because you’re wearing green next to all the people in red and pink.
2. Don’t buy anything for anyone. Instead, make yourself a nice card telling yourself how fetching, dashing, and bold you are. This will not only let you avoid Valentine’s sales items, it will also boost your self confidence and reinforce your narcissistic tendencies.
3. Refrain from using the term “Singles’ Awareness Day.” Even though you think you think you have cleverly renamed Valentine’s Day, you are still associating the day with the idea of love and relationships. Don’t use this day to celebrate love or to pretend you don’t care about the day when you actually do. Instead be bold and call it “Friday.”
4. Don’t watch a romantic comedy. Netflix will probably have a special page of all their romantic comedies. Defy the romcoms by scrolling further down and watching an intense documentary on how people search the globe for new fruits.
5. Avoid the radio at all costs. Great love hits by Barry Manilow, Whitney Houston, Mario, Celine Dion, and Mariah Carey will be gracing the radio stations on Valentine’s day. If you start to hear the theme from Titanic–“Near, far, wherever you are / I believe that the heart does go on”–turn the radio off and start blasting Nirvana, or sceamo to avoid the pounding headache you’ll get by listening to love songs.