If you want to smell like body odor, perfumes, and a skunk’s spray, go to a dance. If you want to get pushed around, go to a dance. If you want to lose your hearing for a week, go to a dance.

But if you’re like me, you can stay home, say you had a great time and really mean it. There are plenty of other fantastic ways to have fun. Dances are a bad time at best.

Yes, it is possible to have a good time at a dance. Well, depending on your opinion of a good time. If your opinion of a good time is being weighed down by the density of Axe Body Spray and sweat in the air while you try to gyrate for multiple hours, yes. You will have a superb time.

“I like going to dances because I get to see and hang out with my friends,” said Junior Calvin Balk.

You may have a point there, Calvin. Dances are a place to see your friends. But chances are, your friends don’t really want to stand around awkwardly and watch people get all sweaty. I’m sure that they would love to go see a movie or play a video game with you instead.

Asking someone to the dance is your chance to ask a person out that you really like, hmm? Well I have some great news for you. A girl or boy would probably rather go for dinner or a movie than you “twerking” on them for two hours.

Well folks, looks like you’re out of excuses. So get out there and actually socialize instead of talking over music in a sea of people. Enjoy life, not sweat.