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Knight Life

The Voice of the Loy Norrix Community

Knight Life

The Voice of the Loy Norrix Community

Knight Life

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Ender’s REAL Truth: Loy Norrix student cast into endless abyss by staff member after use of cell phone in math class

Credit: Ender Ross
Andrew Muysenberg relaxes in his tomb after a long day at Norrix. He enjoys soaking in his bubbling cauldron to relax. (Photo Illustration)

Last week, despite pleas of mercy and forgiveness, Assistant Principal Andrew Muysenberg cast a student using his cell phone into an endless abyss beyond space and time. 

Freshman Clark Harris Jr, who asked to remain anonymous, was checking his Instagram messages under his desk at 2:01. Then Muysenberg entered the room with two ravenous bloodhounds, which he was using to sniff out “enemies of Loy Norrix.” 

Clark states that he put away his phone, but Muysenberg noticed his hand in his pocket and demanded to see the phone’s battery life to determine if he had been recently scrolling. 

According to witnesses, after Harris refused to hand over his phone, Muysenberg began to chant in Abyssal, an ancient language reapproved for use by administrators. Next he opened a portal to the Great Ocean of Eternity, wherein lie the Great Old Ones. 

“It was a little surreal,” said sophomore Janet McGuiness, who was reading a book at the time. “It’s crazy to think about because you never know what they are going to ban next. Maybe they will come after my copy of “The Necronomicon,” and you won’t even be able to read in class!”

Gripping him behind the neck like a snake, Muysenberg then tossed the small child into the yawning darkness, his screams quickly muffled by the embrace of the unending pit. 

“I will continue enforcing the rules of this school with NO MERCY,” said Muysenberg. “I offer no apology for making the harsh calls and mastering the Dark Arts in order to properly enforce justice in this school.”

Muysenberg was notably featured in “Dark Wizards Weekly” for being one of the best Abyssal Portal Openers in North America. He makes good use of his hobby in his job as Assistant Principal. 

“It was originally something I did for fun, but now I can use it at work, which is nice,” said Muysenberg.

Offending students, however, aren’t the only ones affected when Muysenberg dispenses with the Final Justice. Denizens of the Abyss also suffer when students are cast down into the Infinite Darkness. 

“I’m getting really tired of annoying freshmen being cast into my domain,” said LN alumni and acclaimed Denizen Nyarlathotep. “I’m like, trying to watch my caloric intake, so I can’t devour the kid, and I don’t want to take on another apprentice in the Dark Arts, so it’s just inconvenient.”

Harris’s parents, however, are inclined to support Muysenberg’s actions. 

“He has always been a bit of a vagabond, and he rarely comes home before 9:30,” said Dr. Carrin Harris, who was writing a $10,000 check to Muysenberg as he gave his interview. “So we hope that he will learn something important about appreciating what we have here in the material plane and stop cavorting with those unsavory types at Milham Park.” 

Milham Park remains a popular gathering place for vampires and other evil creatures. 

“But we do hope for Jr.’s swift return,” said Dr. Harris. 

Knight Life reached out to our correspondent in the Unending Black, and we can confirm that Harris Jr. is currently trapped in an endless cycle of being devoured by spiders and rebirth, but he is expected to be able to return to school next Monday. 

“I’d do it again. I’d do it again with pride,” said Muysenberg. “I’ll throw every single student at this school into a bottomless pit if that’s what it takes to finally appease my dark masters – uhhh I mean ensure a high quality of learning for our students.”

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Ender Ross
Ender Ross, Executive Web Editor
Hello! I am the executive web editor for Knight Life News, and I make stories about my community and my general vicinity. I also am struck with a terrible love for esports and videogames. Unfortunately, I think I am extremely funny, so go check out my articles on Muysenberg and Flat Earth.
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Comments (6)

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  • I

    Isaiah GonzalezApr 5, 2024 at 8:55 am

    I really do hope that magical muysenburg doesn’t find the delinquents roaming the halls.

  • N

    NathanDec 15, 2023 at 10:21 am

    I sure hope Master Muysenberg doesn’t realize I have been pulling the stings with the students and putting them under hypnosis, so that I can see his use of the abyss myself eventually. I don’t want him to know I too, and currently trying to master this horrific skill.

    Perhaps if I see it a few more times, I can use it in my every day life.

  • S

    SophDec 12, 2023 at 11:28 am

    Oh god this was truly a terrifying read…. I hope the necrononomonomnomnom doesn’t get taken next!!

  • O

    owenDec 7, 2023 at 1:58 pm

    wow this seems untrue but given it is from the real school paper it must be true!

  • L

    Liam CrookstonNov 28, 2023 at 12:55 pm Knight Life Pick

    You shall be cast in to the Aug’s unending torture pit for this slander, watch yourself.

  • L

    Leslie Lami-ReedNov 20, 2023 at 12:30 pm

    I loved it! Gave me a chuckle for sure!