Dueling should be perfectly legal!

During a fight, a duelist sees an angel next to his opponent. This could be us, but only if we legalize fighting to the death!

Credit: Caspar Luyken

During a fight, a duelist sees an angel next to his opponent. This could be us, but only if we legalize fighting to the death!

Ender Ross, Feature Editor

It is a part of human nature to have conflict with those that have slightly different opinions than you do. And back when we were a civilized country, conflicts were resolved with GLORIOUS BATTLE. Andrew Jackson was one of the Presidents of all time, and he boasted of more than 100 duels before they were made illegal around the 1930’s. Many of these duels, Jackson fought to defend his wife’s honor. 

That’s just an objectively better system than how we resolve arguments today. Nowadays if somebody makes fun of your wife, all you can legally do is say, “That’s rude, stop.” If dueling was legal, you could justly challenge them to a fair battle to the death, which would be more fun for you and more interesting for everybody else to watch. 

Dueling would also make politics much more interesting. I never really tune in for political debates. However, I certainly would tune in for the 2024 election if Joe Biden was bare-knuckle boxing Ron Desantis over immigration policy. Or if Alexandria Occasio Cortez was taking ten paces with Kevin Mcarthy. How about Lauren Beobert sword fighting with Gavin Newsom over lockdowns. 

Now, some lily-livered cabbage brains might be complaining about the “culture of violence” that all these duels might create. That’s a good thing! All of these rules and laws have made us soft. We need to get back in touch with our more violent side. It will make us stronger. America will be stronger, more in touch with its roots! 

Now of course, any duel would require mutual agreement by two mentally stable individuals, who are not inebriated or in some way unable to consent. Duelists would have to be over 18 as well. If you can fight for the military at 18, you ought to be allowed to fight in a duel at 18. 

Not all of these duels have to be duels to the death either. Some dads could duel at a neighborhood cookout over who has the best homemade chicken stock! Nobody needs to die there. Just the first person to draw blood wins, then they hug and make up. Of course, we would need a regulatory board to ensure these rules are followed.  

It would be foolhardy not to mention the obvious economic benefits of legalizing dueling. It would create a variety of jobs in healthcare and arms manufacturing, as civilians buy bigger weapons, which would create new factories and jobs. That’s called bringing back AMERICAN MANUFACTURING and healthcare jobs, for all the new doctors that will be needed to re-attach arms and other limbs. 

If you brought our founding fathers into the future, they would be horrified at the state of our country, most likely because of the women voting, BUT also the no dueling rules. On this specific issue, their vision for the future of our nation is correct. 

No doubt you totally agree with me at this point and will email your governor, congressman and president demanding they take action at their earliest convenience. But you may have questions! Luckily, I have a time machine and can travel forward in time to answer your questions before you ask them. 

Q: I’m a frail weakling and don’t keep a list of people in my life I want to fight to the death. Why should I support this initiative?

A: You could have more freedom! Free to live life, truly in accordance with your wildest dreams covered in the profane gore of those who would have opposed you! Whereas if dueling remains illegal, you can’t do any of that and will die a boring, sad, pathetic worm

Q: Great article! I have no more questions.

A: Excellent. Stop wasting my time. 

The point of all this is that we are one of the freest nations on the planet. We have the right to own a firearm, the right to free speech, the right to protest, but not the right to duel. That’s simply absurd. If we want to make a better, stronger America, then we should start with legalizing dueling.