This personal narrative is published in collaboration with Alexa Ault’s English classes and was edited for grammar and AP style by a Knight Life editor.

I had a lot of pets when I was younger. Before I was born, my mom and dad had two big huskies, Rue and Ginnus, and a female Maine Coon named Autumn. When I was born, the three of them were so gentle with me, knowing this was my first time living. Not long after, Rue and Ginnus passed, but my mom said they “went to the farm.”

A year later, Autumn had eight little kittens, and I was there to see them! I paraded around the house at four years old with a cardboard tube in front of my mouth, cheering “the kitties are here! The kitties are here!” before my mom took it away from me, saying I would stress Autumn out. We named the kittens after determining their gender, and I got to name some! There was a small black kitten, the runt of the litter. I named him Shadow.

Not long after, Autumn passed away, and we had to give away most of the kittens. Mom thought we should give all of them away, but my dad said we should keep Shadow. 

 “We should keep him, he’s special,” Dad said.

And he was. Shadow was an amazing cat, and as we grew together, we got more attached. When I was about six, Shadow and I were sitting on the stairs to the basement. I was petting him, and suddenly he licked my hand. I felt so special! I hugged him, cooing and telling Shadow he was so sweet. 

One year, he went missing for three months.  My mom and I looked for him everywhere, and eventually my mom said he might have passed. But a woman replied to my mom’s Facebook post about him being missing. There was a skinny black cat that looked like Shadow that was in Pawpaw, and we both knew immediately it was him. As soon as we could, we drove over to the woman’s address. 

As we got out, there was Shadow, sitting on her front step. He pranced over to us, and as he came up to me, he climbed up my leg. It was like he was saying he was happy to see us again. I believe that’s when he got attached to me.

Shadow was an indoor-outdoor cat, so I’d play with him outside. When the sun hit his fur just right, you could see the brown streaks in his fur, his eyes glowing majestically. He would sometimes go far from home, whether it was across the street or to his neighbor’s house, just to explore. 

One evening, Shadow was hit by a car. I don’t remember the details, but after he recovered, he never stepped outside the bounds of our yard.He was okay being in one spot with us.

During lockdown, Shadow was a big morale booster when online learning was tough. He’d check up on me, make me pet him, then sit on my bed behind me, watching to make sure I was actually doing my classwork and not just playing on my iPad. 

After classes,  I’d just lie with him, stroking his soft fur. For the runt of the litter, he was a big boy. Eight pounds of fur and love. Time went on, and even at ten years old, he was still my baby.  He’d lie on me, and I’d just tell him how much of a beautiful cat he was. 

One day, my grandma was going to visit family where she grew up and invited my mom and me to come. Mom and I didn’t really want to go, but I went for Grandma. I said goodbye to Shadow and went to take the long four-hour drive. That’s when I started feeling off. The first day was okay. I got to see my grandma’s sisters, and we were bunked up in a hotel.

On the second day of the trip, I called my mom in the morning to say hi. At first, her voice was shaky when she answered. I asked what was wrong. She began to cry. She told me how she opened the front door to get the mail, and she saw Shadow, cold and still, unbreathing. My heart dropped. Tears fell from my eyes as she explained what she did with him. She apologized for having to tell me over the phone, but I said it was for the best. I knew immediately.

The next few days on the trip were miserable. I still tried to have fun, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Shadow. There was a hole in my heart, a weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t shake off.  I cried on the way back home, knowing there wouldn’t be a sweet boy greeting me at the door. 

As I stepped into the house, my mom greeted me. After that, I was more depressed than usual. I would lie in my bed, hoping for a chance he’d come back, lie with me, and be okay. But he didn’t, and I felt stupid for even thinking he’d come back. I missed having a pet to take care of. I missed Shadow.

It had been roughly a month and a half when I was sure I wanted another cat.. My grades were slipping because of my grief, but I couldn’t help it. Shadow was my everything. I would have done anything to be with him in his last moments. 

My grandma had a friend who had a rescue cat that they had to get rid of because her daughter was allergic. I told my mom that I wanted her: she looked sweet and was a beautiful little girl. Mom wasn’t sure she wanted a cat so soon, but I insisted, saying I was ready for a new cat. I wasn’t done grieving at all, but I felt like it was time.

We drove to my grandma’s house and met her. She was cute and curious, and her name was Princess. I thought Emmy was a better name. She was a pretty tabby with short hair, a white tummy, yellowish green eyes, and a cute pink collar with a bell on it. She was cute as a button, and as soft as a blanket. She was still a kitten, about 6 months old,  so she could imprint on us. We decided we were ready to take her home.

In the car, the kitten was curious, looking around the interior and out the window. I fed her out of my hand, and when mom went into a store to get a toy for her and some cat litter, she lay on me, looking out the window. As we got home and let her loose, she was a lightning bolt, with zoomies all over the house. It was amusing. 

As I watched her, I noticed things she did like Shadow. Emmy scratched the door frame like Shadow, followed me around like Shadow, and lay on the corner of my bed like him.

Emmy is her own cat, though. She’s playful, excitable, energetic, but quiet. When she does lie down to cuddle, she’s so sweet, making biscuits and pushing her head into my hand. She’s a silly girl, running around the house all day. Hearing her bell jingle when she comes closer makes me so happy. Even though I still miss Shadow dearly, he lives on in what I see in Emmy and our home.